Round 1: Jellybean

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

This piece was submitted in NYC Midnight's Microfiction Challenge. The word limit is 250 words and must be written in 24 hours based on an assigned genre, action and word.

For me it was Genre: humor, Activity: repairing a car, and Required Word 'point'. Humor is not my forte, but that is the fun of these challenges - to stretch oneself. It is also great practice in writing with a deadline. Too often we write and rewrite, but never finish.

I've shared my story for Round 1 and included their comments at the end. Let me know what you think about their story and their comments.

Jellybean - inspired by the original

by A. R. Coy

Manufactured in 1974, the Subaru had lived a long life by the time a young college kid bought it in 1994. And despite the frequent references to its poop brown color from classmates, the kid promptly named it, Jellybean.

At first, Jellybean rejoiced at its apparent semi-retirement with the short pizza runs and trips to the lake. But his dream was crushed after their first 600-mile round trip for holiday break.

The quiet quitting started small. There was the dead battery, the disappearing oil plug, and the passenger door that refused to open. That was followed by the broken windshield wiper, where the kid had to manually wipe away the snow while driving. But whatever Jellybean did, the kid figured out a solution.

Worried about its developing health issues, Jellybean was desperate to get the point across. With intentionality of timing and place, the gas pedal snapped off as they pulled into a rest stop. Repair that, Jellybean thought smugly and then exhaled a puff of exhaust.

It disregarded the rumbling in his trunk, relishing the respite, but perked up when there was tickling around the accelerator. The kid had removed the pedal and was now fiddling with the throttle cord. Threading the stereo wire and wrapping it with duct tape, the kid had rigged a temporary fix. With a pull, it revved.

Was his owner MacGyver? But Jellybean was determined to get the retirement it deserved. He wondered what Herbie, Kitt, and Christine would do?

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -

{2263} I love how you fit small episodes into this narrative to show us the progression of Jellybean’s attempts at retirement. The exposition and sense of inner dialogue give us a cute look into the character of this car.

{1742} I loved this story because of the original perspective and relationship captured between young driver and car. We've all been there, but having the perspective of the car worked great. Jellybean feels like a true character and there is so much relatable humor here. I was hooked from the beginning and because of your tone, pace, and style, I didn't want it to end.

{1774} This is very clever, told from the car's viewpoint, and original. How amusing that Jellybean just wanted to retire and tried to make that point with breakdowns. The kid must've loved this car.

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -

{2263} I wish there were moments where we gave Jellybean feelings. Like is he appalled at what comes next? In what ways can we personify this car to allow the audience to connect with it more and feel what it might be like to be in its situation? While the references in the last bit are nice, I might bet that changing this to integrate this idea might end us on a time whereby we can connect with this poor car.

{1742} I love the reference to "alive" cars in the end. But I felt a tad bit cheated because it's more of a pause than an ending. I wanted to see this car either destroy itself or become a better version and instead it ponders. The story is so good, I think you do need to end it with a bit of a bang. Have fun with it! And amazing work!!

{1774} There's a sweetness to the fact that the kid/owner didn't give up on Jellybean. Consider exploring that relationship a bit. Also, reveal Jellybean's retirement plan. To sit in a junkyard and rust? Seemingly no appeal in that.