Round 2 - Proposal

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I placed 7th in my grouping for the NYC Midnight Microfiction challenge! What a rush.

For round 2 I was given Genre: romance, Action: avoiding someone, and Word: original.

This challenge had extra tension as I forgot the times were in Eastern Standard Time. I got the submission in 3 minutes before the deadline.

Same request. Let me know what you think of the story. Do you agree with their comments or not?

Proposal

by A. R. Coy

Petra spotted Harry through the party crowd and ducked into the bathroom when he looked up. How had things gotten this complicated?

Three years ago, she’d sat at the Golden Dragon, not wanting to be alone at home or at any New Year’s Eve party. Harry had been bussing tables to help out his uncle. They bonded over her obsession with hot mustard and their dateless evening.

When the ball fell, he teased, “I’m not sure we’ve known each other long enough for a midnight kiss, but we could elope and start the new year right.”

Petra snorted and kissed him on the cheek. “Sorry, I’ve given up on love.”

Then on Valentine’s Day, with her delivery of Special No. 3, her fortune read, ‘everyone should be proposed to on V-Day, will you marry me?’

Grinning, she texted, “Thanks for the extra hot mustard, but no.”

The joke continued on every holiday; he proposed, she declined, and they laughed - until this Christmas.

He whispered, “get hitched?” and she answered, “nah,” but the original joy was gone.

She didn’t know what they were anymore. Neither had dated another nor spoke of being more than friends.

Another glance. Everyone was crowding the television.

“Ten, nine…”

No more avoiding.

“Eight, seven, six…”

Rushing forward, she grabbed his arm and he turned.

“Five, four…”

“Harry, I think we’ve known each other long enough for that midnight kiss…please marry me?”

“Three, two…”

She held her breath.

“One.”

He smiled and answered with an overdue kiss.

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -

{2281} This is the kind of Romance story which gives you that wonderful, warm and fuzzy feeling as it unfolds. Two, unlikely lovers, who make jokes about being together until it's not funny anymore. It's very "When Harry Met Sally" - and that makes it even better.

Petra's unfolding thoughts are misleading (in a good way), as we initially think she is going to avoid Harry for the rest of the story, and that she has had enough of their informal arrangement. It's then all the more delightful when she is the one to propose, and we get to witness their first kiss.

{1651} I enjoyed the funny continuing bit of Harry asking Petra to marry him...it feels like they have their own unique, sweet relationship with each other. The characters feel active and their goals are clear in the story.

{1744} I really enjoyed this story! I was immediately drawn in by the charming meet cute of Petra and Harry, and you did a great job incorporating little details about their interests and personalities to help bring them to life. The New Year's Eve countdown also worked well to build suspense and momentum in the final moments of the story. Nice job!

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -

{2281} It wasn't quite clear enough that they remained friends for "every holiday", because we don't have context for how long this is. On the first read, I assumed years, and also thought they were together, so when the story reveals they've only ever been friends (but haven't dated other people), I wasn't able to find the context clues necessary to figure out the length of time this had gone on for, which also affected how the stakes of the story came through. Amending the order the information appears in so we know they're always friends - until they're not - will help us to understand what's what between them, and will hopefully mean you don't need to provide a specific timeline as each Reader will create whatever they feel is a reasonable one in their own mind.

{1651} I'd consider cutting the line, "Petra snorted and kissed him on the cheek" so it will make the overdue kiss at the end feel like it's the first and only kiss. Overall, it feels like Harry was always going to say yes, because he is the one that first flirts with her and continues the joke. I'd find a way to subvert our expectations so that the ending can be more surprising. For example, maybe we're in the perspective of Harry the whole time and he meets this girl and continues the game of flirting with her until it stops feeling fun anymore and then she surprises him by showing up again on New Year's, giving him the courage to ask her one last time. This is just an example, but I'd explore ways to surprise your characters so that we can go on more of a journey with them.

{1744} The only moment in the story that I found confusing was the delivery of Special No. 3 and the fortune Petra received. I think you could make it a little clearer that Harry had put this "fortune" in with her order. I think this could be done with just a couple of additional or changed words.